Now what are they up to?

CANBERRA, ACT - The Federal Government is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Australians. The Australians With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Australians who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Australians do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Kevin Andrews. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."

The Prime Minister pointed to the success of Telstra, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of Telstra employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest Australian of Persons of Inability.Private sector industries with good records of non discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%). The DMV also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability. (63%)

Under the Australians With No Abilities Act, more than 2.5 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance. Mandatory non-performance based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Where do you see yourself in five years time?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"

"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Harrison, who lost her position as a windscreen wiper blade inserter at the GM Holden plant in Port Melbourne, Victoria due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Ms Harrison and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Foreign Affairs minister, Alexander Downer, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every Australian citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."

Hmmm. To me, this smells like the federal government trying to justify ministerial positions. If ever there was anybody in this country without job skills, take a look at our Department of Immigration. Amanda Vanstone needs all the help she can get to keep her job.