Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Don't Forget To Pack Your Toothbrush

In view of the recent debacle concerning our immigration minister, Amanda Vanstone (for those unfamiliar with the case, the minister's department somehow managed to illegally detain one citizen of this fine country, and illegally deport another), I thought it would be interesting to listen in as the Prime Minister gives her a call.

'Hello, Amanda? John Howard here ... No ... No ... No. Amanda! Not the actor. The Prime Minister ... Yes, that John Howard.

'Anyway, I'm ringing to see if you've sorted out the problems in your department yet ... No ... No ... Amanda! I'm not talking about that ... No. If The toilet's backed up, call a plumber ... Yes ... Tell you what, I'll get my secretary to get in touch with you, and give you the name of one. Apparently he's done some work for the Packers, and they highly recommend him. Okay? ... Good.

'No, what I really called about was this sudden run of stuff-ups you've been having ... Oh, you wouldn't, huh? ... Well, what would you call them? ... Teething problems ... I see ...Yes, well. I can't really see how you could possibly consider illegally imprisoning one person, and illegally deporting another, as teething problems. I mean, how long have you been the Minister for Immigration now? Four, five years? ... Really? That long? ... Gee! Time flies, doesn't it?

'But that's beside the point. Don't you think you should have ironed these wrinkles out by now? ... Um ... Amanda ... Amanda, stop! You're forgetting something. I'm the Prime Minister. I know exactly how slow government works, and I reckon you're milking it a bit, now ... Yes, well. Make sure you do. As soon as possible please.

'Now, any progress finding a scapeg ... I mean finding out who's responsible for this mess? ... Your chief advisor, huh? ... He failed to keep you fully informed ... Uhuh ... Uhuh ... And you were unaware of the complete picture ... Yes, there seems to be a lot of that going around. Happens to me all the time ... Maybe you should send him over so I can have a word with him ... Oh, he's not there any more ... You already got rid of him ... Put him on a slow boat to China, huh? ... Hey! Stick with what works, I say.

'Also, the head of ASIO informs me that they've identified a young German couple who might turn out to be a security risk ... You got the memo? ... Yes, that's them. The Kohls ... You've already detained them ... On the next flight back to Germany ... Oh, good. I was worried for a minute there, that you might try sending them to Newcastle ... Kohls ... Newcastle ... Get it? ... You don't get it ...Just a little Prime Ministerial joke there ... Now you get it ... Ha Ha! ... Um ... Amanda ... Amanda ... You can ... Uh, Amanda ... It wasn't that funny ... You can stop laughing now.

'Well that just about covers everything, except ... Well, there’s something you might be able to help me with ... A little favour I need ... Right up your alley ... There's this bloke, you see ... I've been keeping an eye on him, and I reckon he could be bad news ... Oh, yes, very dangerous ... I was wondering if you could deport him for me ... You can! Great! ... I'll give you his details ... Got a pen? ... His name is Kim Beazley ... Leader of the Opposition, that's the bloke ... You'll get onto it today? Terrific ... Only, Amanda? ... Just make sure you get the right person, okay?'

Monday, May 23, 2005


The air is sharp and crisp; crystal. Every breath is cool and fresh.

In the west is a full moon, an unhealthy yellow as it begins to sink below the horizon. In the east a faint glow marks the ascendency of its assassin. Power lines become elevated freeways as possums scurry to their daytime hideouts. A car, headlights stabbing at the darkness, slowly moves down the street, spitting newspapers.

A magpie begins to pipe in the new day. Noisy minahs resume their squabbling. The clouds are tinged with red, as if smeared with the blood of the dying moon. Crickets switch off their night-time hold music as the daylight penetrates the gloom. Birdsong has taken its place.

It's a beautiful Autumn morning, and it's going to be a gorgeous day.

Pity I have to go to work.

Monday, May 16, 2005


Read on a novelty item found inside a bag of crisps;

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Who's On First?

I always find it amusing when our politicians find themselves embarrassed by their own. Consequently, this week started with a big grin.

Our "beloved" Prime Minister, John Howard, again revealed his arrogance by announcing over the airwaves his intention to still be at the helm come the next federal election.

Upon hearing this, heir apparent, Federal Treasurer Peter Costello, promptly threw a hissy fit, and dire hints of a "leadership challenge" swept through parliament like a tsunami. It has long been known that Mr. Costello covets the top spot, and Little Johnny did say at the last election that he was more than likely going to step aside and pass the reins to his Treasurer. Like interest rates and the Medicare Safety Net however, Prime Minister Howard has reneged on yet another promise.

I honestly can't understand why Peter Costello should be so upset. Surely he didn't expect one of his own, a consummate politician, to keep an election promise?


Proposed New Uniform.