God's Phone Number. Chapter 1.

© 2006 Peter Stone. All rights reserved.

Chapter One

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step."

Lao Tzu, an old bloke from ancient China, obviously had a lot of time on his hands when he came up with that gem. I guess, in the sixth century BC, sitting around contemplating one's navel was as wild as it got so, in order to relieve the boredom, Lao decided to think up a few truisms.

I doubt very much he would have had in mind the ringing of a telephone as the first step of a peregrination, but that's how my journey through Hell began.

ooOO~OOoo

'Tangled Web.'

Silence. The hollow kind of nothing unique to telephones.

'Hello? Tangled Web. Can I help you?'

Stammering on the other end. 'Oh! Umm - I thought - I was look - this isn't ...?' A female voice, middle aged, sounded like. 'I think I've rung the wrong number.'

'What number did you want?'

She recited the phone number. Mine.

'Yep. That's the number you've rung.'

'Oh.' More silence.

'Maybe if you tell me who you're looking for, I might be able to help you,' I prompted.

'Umm, no. No, I don't think so.'

So what do you want, lady? 'You sure?'

'Well. I don't know. I feel kind of silly. I mean, what if ...?' She stalled again. Obviously having trouble putting her thoughts into words. Don't you just love people like that?

The phone call had come at the wrong time, interrupting me in the middle of trying to sort out a complicated piece of Java coding. I started to get a little impatient, hoping the woman would just spit out whatever it was she wanted, so I could get back to it.

'Look, it's a common mistake, people ringing the wrong number. Happens all the time. Nothing to get embarrassed about. But if I can help in any way ...?' I briefly entertained the notion that I may be able to sell her a web site.

Hey! You never know when opportunity's going to come knocking. Or ringing.

'But I rang you, not -'

'Maybe you wrote the number down wrong.'

'No, I don't think so. I'm pretty sure I got it right.'

'Well, then, who were you looking for?' Exasperated.

'God?' A small tiny voice.

'Excuse me?'

'I thought - believed - this was God's phone number. I mean, he sounded so sincere when he - and I thought it would be a really good opportunity to ...' Her voice faded again.

I blinked, closed my mouth.

'This isn't God, is it?'

I was flummoxed. I've had people ringing me with all sorts of odd requests - it comes with the job - but I've never had anyone call and ask to speak to God before.

My natural response was to burst out laughing which I started to do, but then I had a horrible thought. What if this woman wasn't all there? Matter of fact, what if she was totally insane? Laughing might really piss her off. At me! Maybe that wasn't such a good idea.

Picture: crazed harridan, huge carving knife, me running in the dark.

I've seen the movies.

I expertly covered the laughter by faking a coughing fit. Sir Laurence would have been proud!

'No, sorry, I'm not God. I'm Jim Kennedy.' Oh gee! That was clever! Give the crazy woman your name, she's already got your bloody phone number. Next thing you'll be giving her your address and inviting her to dinner.

'This is my business, Tangled Web. I design and create web sites for people, and that's pretty much it. Nothing to do with God, I'm afraid. Although - now I think of it - if you look at it from the point of view that my business is creating new worlds, I guess you could say there is some similarity. Of course, I have a long way to go before I get anywhere near His standards. But, given time ...'

I had to smile. It was so absurd. I mean, really. Who on earth would believe you could get in touch with God, just by phoning Him? Of course, I couldn't be certain that the woman on the other end of the phone actually was on earth.

'I feel so stupid. I really do,' she said.

'It's okay. An honest mistake.' Did that sound too patronising?

'I don't know what I was thinking. Please, forgive me.'

'Nothing to forgive. We all do these things from time to time.' Maybe so, but I couldn't think of the last time I rang God. 'No harm done.'

'This is so embarrassing. I must sound like such an idiot.'

No comment.

'I'm really sorry for bothering you. I don't know what I was - Anyway, I'm sure you're busy, and I've taken up enough of your time already. I better go. Thanks for being so understanding.'

I wasn't sure I understood anything. 'It's fine. Like I said before, no harm done. And listen, if sometime in the future you need a web site designed,' sometimes I just can't help myself, 'Well, you got my number.'

A pause. 'Yes, I have, haven't I? Goodbye, then,' she said, and hung up.

I couldn’t hold back any longer. I burst out laughing.

ooOO~OOoo

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking I could have treated the poor woman better, not been so tongue in cheek about the whole thing. All things considered, though, I reckon I handled it all pretty well. I mean, have you ever had someone ring up and ask to speak to God? It was easy to dismiss her as some poor soul a couple of rungs short of a ladder. And there wasn't any real harm done. Slightly disturbing perhaps, but innocuous just the same.

But then, isn't that how all nightmares begin?