Always tell the truth in court.

This is supposed to be a true story, but I have a feeling it's really just a good yarn.

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In one trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother, to the stand.

He approached the grandmother and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She replied, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs."

"You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you will never amount to anything more than a two bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was, naturally, stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of whom was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "Don't either of you bastards ask her if she knows me."

What is your favourite word?

I borrowed this from Lone Ranger's blog. I know I'm supposed to tag other bloggers, but I don't know how to do that, so if you want to have a go, help yourselves. Just leave your response in comments.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE WORD?

WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE WORD?

WHAT TURNS YOU ON?

WHAT TURNS YOU OFF?

WHAT SOUND DO YOU LOVE?

WHAT SOUND DO YOU HATE?

WHAT PROFESSION, OTHER THAN YOUR OWN, WOULD YOU LIKE TO ATTEMPT?

WHAT PROFESSION WOULD YOU NEVER LIKE TO DO?

IF GOD EXISTS, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR GOD SAY WHEN YOU ARRIVE AT THE PEARLY GATES?

Here are my answers.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE WORD?
I don't really have just one word which I could single out as being a particular favourite. As a writer, all words are exciting to me. Each word has its own energy; it's when that energy is used correctly that it becomes exhilarating.

WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE WORD?
"Buzz" words. They generally have a negative connotation, and a negative energy to match.

WHAT TURNS YOU ON?
Articulate intelligence.

WHAT TURNS YOU OFF?
People spitting in the street.

WHAT SOUND DO YOU LOVE?
The fury of a storm.

WHAT SOUND DO YOU HATE?
I'm not especially fond of "We need to pay this bill."

WHAT PROFESSION, OTHER THAN YOUR OWN, WOULD YOU LIKE TO ATTEMPT?
Computer programming/Web design.

WHAT PROFESSION WOULD YOU NEVER LIKE TO DO?
Car sales.

IF GOD EXISIS, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR GOD SAY WHEN YOU ARRIVE AT THE PEARLY GATES?
"Tell him I'm not in."

Punctuation equals gender not-so-neutral.

An English professor at a university wrote the following sentence on the blackboard;

"A woman without her man is nothing."

He asked his class to punctuate the sentence correctly to make it either masculine or feminine.

The males in the class wrote;

"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The females in the class wrote;

"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Astounding what a tiny comma can do, isn't it?

Pixies, perhaps?

This little mystery has had me baffled for the past week or so. I've examined the situation from every conceivable angle, and still haven't been able to come up with a tenable theory. Maybe you can help?

One morning last week, I was getting ready for work. One of the last steps in this process, prior to walking out the door, is putting on my work shoes. On this particular morning, I had put my shoes on, tied the laces, and was almost ready to depart when I felt something inside my right shoe. Upon removing the shoe, I discovered a tiny stone.

Here beginneth the mystery.

I'm on my feet just about the entire day, so I notice fairly quickly if a foreign body has taken up residence inside my footwear. At no time during the previous day had I felt anything, nor was there anything in my shoe when I took it off after work. So how did the stone get in there?

Was it just passing, looking for somewhere warm to spend the night when it came across my shoe? Or maybe it materialised in there from some alternative dimension. Perhaps it's some cockroach's idea of a practical joke. Who knows?

Any ideas?

Across the street.

*Please be aware that this piece contains language that may be considered offensive by some*

Don't look at me with that "oh, so superior" look on your face, you cow. It's all right for you. Sitting in your nice and warm office, at your nice and warm desk, doing your nice and warm job; me stuck out here in the freezing cold.

As if this was my idea. Do you honestly believe I would be here if I had any kind of say in the matter? But that doesn't concern you, does it? No, you just sit there, a fortunate set of circumstances convincing you that you're better than me.

Christ! The wind's cold! Slices right through you. Doesn't matter how much you rug up. And looks like it's going to piss down any minute now.

But that's not your worry, is it? Only thing you're worried about is whether the boss is going to ask you out on a date tonight. So typical of people like you. No consideration for anybody but yourself. Oh, I've seen the way you look at me some days. That snide little snicker. I know you think I'm disgusting. Probably reckon people like me deserve everything we get, I'll wager.

But what gives you the right to sit in judgement, huh? What gives society the right to discriminate against us, and ostracize us, just because we have a habit that some people don't like? Who said you could decide how we live? Every week, it seems, there's some new law which says we can't do this, can't go here; some new restriction on us, forcing us to retreat even further from the mainstream. Tell you what. Why don't you just tattoo "UNCLEAN" across our foreheads? At least that way all the hypocrisy will stop, and you won't have to pretend to like us.

Wish Davo was here. But he's been coughing pretty bad all week, and he looked pretty crook yesterday. Pity. We could have stood down here and really taken the piss out of you. Yeah, that's right, lady. We laugh at you. As far as we're concerned, you're not good enough for us. How do you feel about that, huh? Bet that would bite you in your complacency.

I knew it! Bloody raining now. Pissing down! And the wind's blowing it in under the awning. Fuck, it's cold!

Oh, look. You've got yourself a cup of coffee. Nice and warm is it? Hope you bloody drown in it. Moll.

Maybe I should go and get a coffee from the cafe across the street. Have I got any coins? Yeah, that should be enough.

Hang on! What time is it? Damn! Only five minutes before lunch is finished. If I get a coffee, I won't be able to have another cigarette before I go back in.

Aaah, stuff the coffee!

©2006 Crookedpaw's Retreat

Now what are they up to?

CANBERRA, ACT - The Federal Government is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Australians. The Australians With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Australians who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Australians do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Kevin Andrews. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."

The Prime Minister pointed to the success of Telstra, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of Telstra employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest Australian of Persons of Inability.Private sector industries with good records of non discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%). The DMV also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability. (63%)

Under the Australians With No Abilities Act, more than 2.5 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance. Mandatory non-performance based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Where do you see yourself in five years time?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"

"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Harrison, who lost her position as a windscreen wiper blade inserter at the GM Holden plant in Port Melbourne, Victoria due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Ms Harrison and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Foreign Affairs minister, Alexander Downer, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every Australian citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."

Hmmm. To me, this smells like the federal government trying to justify ministerial positions. If ever there was anybody in this country without job skills, take a look at our Department of Immigration. Amanda Vanstone needs all the help she can get to keep her job.